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Gender + Sexuality

My Asexual Valentine

Lower Mainland 'Aces' dish on life, love, and discount candy.

Jesse Donaldson 13 Feb 2016TheTyee.ca

Jesse Donaldson is an author, journalist, photographer and one of the founding members of The Dependent Magazine. His first book, This Day in Vancouver, was shortlisted for a B.C. Book Prize. Find his previous articles published in The Tyee here.

For Justine Munich and a handful of Lower Mainland asexuals, the day after Valentine's Day is its own yearly tradition.

''It's our annual chocolate sale hunt,'' she says with a laugh. Many asexuals don't want partners, Munich explains, or struggle to find a compatible non-sexual relationship. ''There's a lot of people who feel left out on Valentine's Day. So the day after Valentine's Day, we tend to get together and go chocolate shopping.''

For the past five years, Munich has served as a moderator for AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online resource that provides information, support, and social connection for people who have something very specific in common: they experience little to no sexual attraction.

In a world where an obsession with sex and a fetishization of romance are commonplace, asexuals (known to one another as ''Aces'') occupy a unique space in the sexual landscape. Not to be confused with willful celibacy or sexual dysfunction, asexuality is a distinct orientation that manifests in approximately one per cent of the population.

It's also a label that has come to encompass a broad range of subcategories. Different identifiers measure types of sexual and romantic attraction -- everything from gray-asexual (occasional sexual desire) and demisexual (sexual attraction in the presence of an emotional bond) to panromantic (romantic attraction to all types) and even WTFromantic (being unable to define romantic attraction at all).

A postgraduate student in physics, Munich, known online as ''Heart,'' has never had a libido. She identifies not only as asexual but also ''sex-repulsed'' -- meaning a complete aversion to sex in any of its forms.

''When I see somebody I like, be it aesthetically, or personality, or some combination, my inclination is to want to hang out more,'' Munich explains, ''or watch Netflix and cuddle, those sorts of things. And no matter how long that relationship goes on, or how deeply in love I am, I just never feel the urge to involve sexuality.''

Aces, wild

Although she may not engage in sexual activity, there's no shortage of love in Munich's life. She also identifies as panromantic (see sidebar for complete list of terms) and is currently in three different relationships -- two of them with men and one with AVEN webmaster and board member Cole Brown.

''I'm a cuddlebug at heart,'' she says, ''and without somebody to cuddle once in awhile, I'd start to feel isolated.''

Involved in the asexual scene since 2006, Brown has become something of a local activist and spokesperson for the community, fielding interviews, refining the AVEN website alongside founder and former classmate David Jay, and hosting regular meetups for curious Aces across the Lower Mainland. Vancouver currently hosts one of the largest asexual meetups in the world, after New York, London, and San Francisco. The meetups themselves can range in attendance and theme (numbers swell during Pride week), and can include discussion or activities like going to the Etsy Fair or staging their own prom.

''I'd say that, on average, we get two to three new members for every meetup,'' Brown estimates. ''A lot of people are established in their lives and friend groups, so what will happen is that they'll come for a sense of validation and a sense of community to see there are others out there. And once they feel fulfilled -- these are real people who feel like I do -- they can take that back to their lives.''

Since she began working with AVEN, Brown notes, the community itself has gained considerable momentum. Globally, AVEN is now more than 70,000 members strong, active in 90 countries, and attracts upwards of two million unique page views per month. Founder Jay was featured in a 2011 documentary called (A)Sexual, and the community as a whole is on its way to increased recognition, both among researchers (though they've been discussed as far back as Albert Kinsey, who labelled them ''Group X'') and in a broader cultural context (just this week, classic Archie Comics character Jughead Jones was confirmed as asexual).

Each year since 2008, the site has conducted its own independent census, and although the stats are self-reported, they are nonetheless a valuable source of information on the global Ace community. Among those surveyed, more than 60 per cent identified as female, and 65 per cent reported never having engaged in any sexual activity at all. Among those who had (22.5 per cent of those surveyed), 75 per cent did so to please a partner, and 56 per cent did it ''out of curiosity.'' Those who participated were predominantly young people (mean age of 22), and more than a quarter identified as atheist. The top three romantic identities reported were heteroromantic (22 per cent), panromantic (19.8 per cent), and aromantic (19 per cent). Interestingly, 78.4 per cent of those surveyed reported having some form of sex-drive though this was most commonly reported as being in the ''low'' category.

'I'm not a robot'

Brown and Munich note one of the most common responses to their sexual identity is confusion.

''Most people catch on pretty quickly when I explain it,'' Munich says. ''I mean, the concept of having sex without loving somebody is pretty thoroughly accepted in society. So, the opposite doesn't seem like a huge jump of the imagination -- that there could be love without sex. I think if you're in a less liberal-leaning area -- and I've lived in those areas -- people find it almost impossible to grasp as a concept.''

Neither Brown nor Munich spends much time discussing overt prejudice, but both agree further education on asexuality would be helpful to future generations -- beginning in the high-school sex-ed curriculum.

''What's unintentionally hurtful is this idea of virginity being used as a weapon,'' Brown says. ''You're a virgin to a certain point but then after that, it becomes synonymous for 'loser.' It becomes synonymous with failure in some respect. To people who either choose celibacy, or who are asexual, that can be very hurtful.''

And, she adds, our hypersexualized culture isn't something that does anybody -- asexual or otherwise -- any favours.

''I spent a very dark period of my life thinking I was broken,'' Munich recalls. ''It took some time to realize that I can still love. I'm not a robot.''

''That was a really growing moment for me,'' she adds. ''To realize that I'm still worthy of love and capable of love. I just get to express it my way.''

Like any other couple

As for their own relationship, Brown and Munich are quick to note that outside of closed doors, they behave much like any other couple.

''It's stereotypically, obnoxiously adorable,'' Brown laughs. ''We went to the hot chocolate festival last weekend and tried out seven different kinds of hot chocolate. Things of that nature -- movie nights and trying various restaurants. Both of us enjoy walking around, spending time together. We saw the New Year's festival, saw the fireworks together. Just really average, everyday, couple-y things.''

In terms of Valentine's Day however, both of them will be forced to take a raincheck; one of Munich's partners is currently in Europe, and Brown, an American, will spend Sunday crossing the border to complete requirements for her permanent residency.

Instead, they'll be making a reservation at Kitsilano's Dark Table on a weekend sometime in the near future.

''I promised to make it up to her with flowers and dinner,'' Brown says with a chuckle. ''Hopefully that will absolve me of my guilt.''  [Tyee]

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