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Please Advise! When Can We Read Poilievre’s Book?

He’s written a tome not yet published. May we suggest ideas for his next effort?

Steve Burgess 27 May 2024The Tyee

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Read his previous articles.

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

There's a new book coming out, Pierre Poilievre: A Political Life, written by journalist Andrew Lawton. Will it be a bestseller?

Signed,

Patti Page

Dear Patti,

If there's a movie version, let's hope it stars Rick Moranis. It could be sort of, “Honey, I Shrunk the Charter.”

The book is not yet out and Dr. Steve has not seen it. But the Toronto Star got an advance copy of Lawton's book and has revealed some of the details. One of those details in particular caught Dr. Steve's eye: apparently, Poilievre has written a book of his own. Lawton describes Poilievre's book, written a few years ago, as a “chart-heavy manuscript” that examines Canada’s fiscal situation and the Conservative leader's remedies for it. Poilievre gave his book the title, “Debtonation.”

The prospect of Poilievre as an author is certainly fascinating. That title alone, “Debtonation,” makes one wonder what other creative names Poilievre might have considered: “Cryptopalooza,” “Whack-a-Vaxer,” “CBC-You-Later,” “My Struggle,” “Four Eyes on the Future,” etc.

So far though, Poilievre's book has not been published. Dr. Steve is no marketing expert, but is a “chart-heavy manuscript” focusing on economic policy likely to become a hot summer beach read? Perhaps the opposition leader would like to branch out into other literary genres, adding some appeal to his as-yet-unseen tome. Some suggestions:

Romance is always popular. Poilievre's conservative bodice-ripper could feature a central character — let's call him Millhouse — who seeks heterosexual love on a balanced budget. Alas, every date ends badly when Millhouse accuses his companions of wanting a free lunch. Finally he meets a woman who not only pays for her own meal but refuses to tip. At the malt shop, they share a soda after demanding plastic straws, which they later use to stab endangered turtles. They are soul mates. They make sweet, vanilla love in the cab of a Dodge Ram truck that is left idling all night long. The End. The sex scenes are later described by critics as “Rand-y.” Publisher's Weekly calls the book, “sweet... touching... chart-heavy.”

Criminal justice novels are hot, too. Poilievre's version will be called “Hapless Shrugs.” Shrugs is a libertarian lawyer, defending persecuted freedom fighters against the evil government that would crush them with the heavy hand of pronouns and traffic regulations. “I want the truth!” shouts Shrug. “You can't handle the truth!” replies a medical researcher. “Good point,” says Shrugs. “But here's some neat stuff I read on the internet. The defense rests!” Shrugs ends up on the U.S. Supreme Court, which he turns into an RV dealership, which in no way represents a conflict of interest. The End.

Superhero stories are still big. In the city of Gothawa, we meet the crusading Galtman and his costumed sidekick, Carbon (it's a rather shitty costume. Requires frequent dry cleaning, for which Galtman refuses to reimburse him.) Galtman battles enemies like the Woker Joker and Justin Taxman. But Galtman's powers are a bit hard to determine. He boasts of having an entire Galtbelt full of remedies for inflation, housing prices, crime and possibly the heartbreak of psoriasis. Critics note that we never actually see any of these magical devices, and that Galtman's only demonstrable power seems to involve striking fear into enemies by eating apples in an intimidating fashion. Yet somehow Galtman triumphs, because, who knows, boredom perhaps. The End

How about horror? New from PP Press: “Tales from the Cryptocurrency.” Starring the Crypto Keeper, who begins by talking about the dire fate awaiting the Governor of the Bank of Canada. Then the axe comes out. At first it's just “Axe the tax,” but once the axing starts, there's no stopping the chopping. The Charter of Rights and Freedoms, dismembered! The justice system, a bloody shambles! Social programs, scattered about like Lizzie Borden's parents!

As Pierre Chekhov once said, if you show an axe during the campaign, later you must govern like a masked psycho at a summer camp full of sexually active teens.

One of those ought to be a much bigger seller than “Debtonation.” Listen to Dr. Steve, Pierre — naming your book after a bomb is a temptation headline writers will not resist.  [Tyee]

Read more: Federal Politics

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