Please Advise! Is Poilievre Winning the Battle of the Bots?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

I just watched the Pierre Poilievre rally in Kirkland Lake and I'm still buzzing from the energy! As a northern Ontarian, it's refreshing to see a leader who genuinely listens to our concerns and wants to empower our communities. Poilievre's commitment to the North is palpable.

Signed,

Northern Ontario Person, Excited

Dear NOPE,

Hey, do you know Yesenia from Russia? Or Fay from New Yatt, England? Or Belle, who is from France but speaks Spanish and has no Twitter followers? Apparently they were all at the Aug. 1 Kirkland Lake Conservative rally, too. And they all agreed with your assessment. Really, really agreed.

Here's Fay on X: “Just got back from Pierre Poilievre's rally in Kirkland Lake and I'm still buzzing from the energy! As a northern Ontarian, it's refreshing to see a leader who actually listens to our concerns and wants to empower our communities.”

Yesenia from Russia: “Just watched Pierre Poilievre rally in Kirkland Lake and I'm still buzzing from the energy! As a Northern Ontarian, it's refreshing to see a leader who genuinely listens to our concerns. Poilievre's commitment to the North is palpable.”

Belle from France: “Just got back from Pierre Poilievre’s rally in Kirkland Lake and I'm still buzzing from the energy! As a northerner, it's refreshing to see a leader who actually listens to our concerns and prioritizes our needs.”

Lauri from New York: “Just got back from Pierre Poilievre's rally in Kirkland Lake and I'm still buzzing from the energy! As a northern Ontarian...”

But you get the drift.

Others were also buzzing — many, many others. It was a level of buzz typically achieved only by smacking a wasp's nest with a broom handle. And always the same wording. This degree of harmony makes the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sound like a Harrison Hot Springs council meeting. One person on X found eight pages worth of tweets expressing the same sentiment in more or less the same words.

So much buzzing! Kirkland Lake must have mosquitoes the size of woodpeckers. Or downed power lines everywhere. Was it really Poilievre energy, or did the ushers carry cattle prods?

Belle's tweet is particularly impressive since her bio is in Spanish and her hometown is listed as Barretaine, France. Pretty remarkable for someone from northern Ontario. In fact, if the tweets are to be believed, the political influence of northern Ontario seems vast. The particular concerns of the Kirkland Lake region are apparently shared by voters from Alaska to Texas to Louisiana to Germany to Russia. (Russia in particular, Dr. Steve imagines.) Swarms of mysterious Poilievre enthusiasts, appearing in Kirkland Lake like so many obnoxious blackflies. The hotels must have been packed — the professional translators alone could have booked up the Vegas strip.

Pierre Poilievre's northern Ontario would seem to be a veritable United Nations of humanoid messaging. The region's farming industry may now include cattle, potatoes and buzzy, buzzy bots. It's inspiring, really: in our glorious technological future, bots from every nation will speak with one voice — one buzzing, repetitive voice. Electrical resistance is futile. Submit to the buzz.

Or maybe it wasn't bots. Maybe it was Costco. The event did happen at Kirkland Lake, and when you're buying in bulk, Kirkland is the brand to know. Poilievre might have pulled out of the parking lot towing a U-Haul filled with toilet paper, batteries and Twitter followers.

There is no evidence the Conservatives themselves are the masterminds behind this attack of the clones. But if not them, who? And why? Questions of electoral interference have dogged Canadian politics of late, with suspect nations including China, Russia and India. Someone certainly wants Poilievre's party to do well — someone with lots and lots of non-corporeal friends. Is it Putin? Is it Xi? Or is it Belle from Barretaine, France, who joined X just days before Poilievre's rally? There is definitely some buzz around the Conservatives right now. And not much chance the bots will ever buzz off.