Please Advise! Will Trudeau’s Mar-a-Lago Pilgrimage Save Us?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made a surprise visit to Mar-a-Lago last week. Was that a smart move?

Signed,

F. Trader

Dear Mr. Trader,

Imagine Trudeau and Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum as new parents, dealing with a colicky infant. First it was Sheinbaum on parental duty, calling a tantruming Trump to soothe him off to dreamland again. But all too soon the screaming and wailing resumes.

“Whose turn is it?” a sleepy Trudeau groans.

“Your turn,” mumbles Sheinbaum.

And so Trudeau must drag himself out of bed, hop on a jet and fly down to the Florida nursery, there to dandle the fussy infant and let him suckle endless bottles of Diet Coke.

The hope is that Trump's threats of 25 per cent tariffs on Canadian and Mexican goods can be forestalled. It's parenting. It's what you must do when handed the responsibility of dealing with a screaming bundle of id, a bawling little monstrosity lacking the capacity to recognize anything beyond the greedy needs of self. It does become more complicated when the squalling little tot possesses nuclear launch codes. No one ever said child care was easy.

Parents always get unwanted advice. There are plenty of know-it-alls around with freely offered opinions about how a child ought to be handled. So you have former Conservative cabinet minister James Moore and Alberta Premier Danielle Smith, among others, saying that the way to deal with Trump is to address all the legitimate issues he raises, the better to calm him. Stop fentanyl at the border. Stop the immigrants. As you know, they are eating the cats, they are eating the dogs. Stop that. Stop the Mexican hurricanes.

Never mind that the issues Trump raises are rarely based on any objective reality, that the amount of fentanyl entering the United States from Canada is minuscule, that he seems to make no distinction between the Canadian and Mexican borders. When Trump says, “Jump,” you jeté, you pirouette, you prance, you somersault. Then the emperor claps his hands and laughs with delight and forgets and chooses another victim, and you creep away with your life.

Pierre Poilievre would never abase himself that way, though. He says so himself.

Trudeau's visit was a sign of weakness, the Conservative leader claims. Poilievre would never be so weak. No doubt he'd show up at Mar-a-Lago, munching apples, and tell Trump, right to his face, that he is not only right about everything but a fine-looking physical specimen who never cheats at golf. That's Conservative leadership.

In The Lion King, Elton John sang “Circle of Life.” Now with the return of America's lyin’ king, we have been treated to a chorus of “Circle of Stupid.”

It works like this: Trump, even after a full term as president, still does not understand how tariffs work (because he is stupid). He thinks tariffs are a tax on foreigners, when in fact they are a tax paid by American consumers.

Those consumers — also known as voters — were upset about inflation. They might have been expected to reject any candidate proposing tariffs, which by their very nature raise prices. But here is where the magic of stupid kicks in. Trump voters don't understand tariffs either. And so the timeless, clueless circle is complete.

Anyway, the important thing is that immigrants want to flame-broil your poodle and Trudeau is the guy bringing the barbecue sauce. Better put a stop to it, Justin, or “thwack!” goes the tariff stick.

Dr. Steve hates reruns but that's what we are enduring. Once again we must sit through a real-life version of that classic 1961 Twilight Zone episode “It’s a Good Life,” in which a petulant little boy who possesses supernatural powers must be placated by all, lest his childish wrath be unleashed. And we're still in previews, for God's sake. The show hasn't even begun its scheduled four-year run yet.

The popcorn tastes stale already.