Please Advise! How About Those Vancouver Canucks?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

What a weekend for the Vancouver Canucks. After months of rumoured dissension, recently confirmed by team president Jim Rutherford, the team traded star centre JT Miller and a couple of other players to the New York Rangers, then turned around and made another trade the same night with the Pittsburgh Penguins, acquiring defenceman Marcus Pettersson.

Is this all a good thing?

Signed,

Fin

Dear Fin,

Oh lord. Do we not have enough going on? Are you aware, Canucks, there's a de facto fascist takeover underway in Washington? Did you notice we have just been hit with a B-52-load of U.S. tariffs? Not now, Canucks!

Hockey is supposed to be the opiate of the Canadian masses. We rely on hockey as a respite from the cruel world. Too bad for Canucks fans, since there is no crueler world than ours. Cheering for the Canucks is a distraction in the sense that a third-degree burn distracts from a toothache. If the Canucks are your opiate of choice, you also need an auxiliary opiate. Your medicine requires an antidote.

Canucks fans are connoisseurs of disaster. Let others discuss championships — we will dissect catastrophes. This year's debacle will be compared to others, like the Cam Neely trade, the Mark Messier/Mike Keenan era, or Nick Lidström's 2002 centre ice goal on Dan Cloutier. Sportswriter Ed Willes has a new book on Canucks history called Never Boring. He's right but of course you can also say that about sinkholes. Willes' book must be getting another chapter now. And maybe a new cover — the current one has JT Miller on it.

The 2024-25 Canucks have had a chemistry problem. Specifically, their two biggest star centres, Miller and Elias Pettersson, apparently couldn't stand each other. It's never a good sign when the most hard-hitting action happens in the locker room. The team schedule should never be referred to as the “Days of Our Lives.” But the Canucks had indeed become a soap opera.

Miller is intense, driving, mercurial. Pettersson is chill. “A Song of Ice and Fire,” George R.R. Martin calls his Game of Thrones series of books, but just like Martin, the Canucks have been unable to get the job done. Attempts at peacemaking were reportedly made but in vain. Team president Jim Rutherford admitted to Globe and Mail columnist Gary Mason that the feud was real and apparently insoluble. A trade was inevitable. Everyone was unhappy and cursing their luck. Even the Canucks anthem singer, Jugpreet Bajwa, got hit by a car in front of Science World (he’ll be okay, fortunately).

In a crisis situation like this, “trade” is not usually the appropriate term — vultures are not “trading” with a deceased water buffalo. NHL teams knew the Canucks were in a bind. The team was unlikely to get fair value for whichever star centre they unloaded.

In light of that, they did OK. They certainly did a lot. In a flurry of action, Miller and two minor leaguers were sent to the New York Rangers for a first round draft pick plus centre Filip Chytil and young defenceman Victor Mancini. Then that first round pick was sent to the Pittsburgh Penguins along with defenseman Vincent Desharnais, forward Danton Heinen and another minor leaguer for defenceman Marcus Pettersson and forward Drew O'Connor.

Marcus Pettersson was the key return for the Canucks whose defence, despite Quinn Hughes heroics, has been pretty bad this year (proof that players can still suck even when they like each other). Getting rid of Desharnais and Heinen was actually a bonus for the Canucks since the two weren't doing much more than cashing cheques. Chytil should be useful but he's not a star. Losing JT Miller, a player who had his own designated fan chant at Rogers Arena, meant the Canucks were never going to come out of this scenario as the winners.

The Canucks are now the first three-Pettersson team in the NHL, with Marcus joining two players named Elias (the other a young defenceman — it's now Petey, D-Petey and Three-Petey).

The Canucks were pleased to get Marcus Pettersson in the trade. But the real question is whether they got Elias Pettersson back.

Elias “the Centre” Pettersson is supposed to be central. He's being paid like a superstar but has stopped playing like one. Will he return to form now that his antagonist is gone? Or was the feud really a reflection of JT Miller's legitimate frustration at an underperforming, overpaid player?

Pettersson will be under a lot of pressure. They say in a divorce, the custodial parent always carries the greater burden while the absent parent is idealized. If Petey doesn't shape up and the Canucks sink lower, fans will transform the departed Miller into Gordie Howe and Pavel Bure combined.

Meanwhile Canadian hockey fans try to block out the outside noise, but it's tough. We are asked to cheer as Washington Capital Alex Ovechkin chases Wayne Gretzky's career goal record. But it only reminds us it's been a great year for Putin stooges in Washington. And that Donald Trump wants Gretzky to be governor of the 51st state, and Gretzky hasn't said no.

Canadian fans are booing the Star-Spangled Banner. The 4 Nations Cup is coming up and at this rate the players will be wearing camouflage.

Trump has put a tariff on fun.