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[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]
Dear Dr. Steve,
Last week, Conservative MP Jamil Jivani took a trip to Washington to meet with his friend Vice-President JD Vance and discuss Canada-U.S. relations. Jivani said he wanted to “help negotiate a trade deal.” Apparently the trip was not authorized by Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre.
Was it a wise move, Dr. Steve?
Signed,
Trader Joe
Dear TJ,
This must be the most awkward diplomatic mission since Rudolf Hess tried to end the Second World War.
Jivani, the MP for Bowmanville-Oshawa North, went to the U.S. saying he wanted to “build bridges.” Not ideal when the people around you are trying to erect barricades.
During his visit, Jivani says he received a message from Trump: “Tell the Canadians I love them.” Well, Colonel Sanders loves chicken, but the chickens do not find that reassuring.
To say Jivani is not authorized or in any way qualified to undertake bilateral U.S.-Canada trade relations is to understate the case dramatically. He is not a member of the government, nor is he the Conservative trade critic, nor was his visit authorized by any government entity. Jivani probably thinks a diplomatic mission to Mexico comes free with the purchase of your tenth burrito at Qdoba.
It’s remarkable the man has lived this long — he must have been the kind of kid who watched a Superman movie, tied a blanket around his neck and jumped off a parking garage.
Consider Jivani’s own stated qualifications for this diplomatic initiative: he was a Yale Law schoolmate of Vance.
What did they teach at that hellhole? Yale’s version of Hogwarts’ Sorting Hat must have been a red baseball cap.
Jivani, remember, is the guy who accused Ontario Premier Doug Ford of sabotaging the Conservatives last election. He and JD “They’re Eating Cats and Dogs” Vance are peas in a pod. If we could only track down the Yale professor who tutored Vance and Jivani on the art of diplomacy, think of the tragedies that could be averted. An era of world peace could result.
Vance went from his meeting with Jivani straight to the Milan Olympics, where he was lustily booed at the opening ceremonies. (American TV audiences did not hear the crowd reaction, since NBC essentially sprayed the audio track with Febreze.) Vance’s bloated 40-vehicle motorcade almost prevented American skater Alysa Liu from making it to the rink in time for her performance.
That fits, too — any mention of ICE will likely inspire Vance to start messing with people who are simply trying to get to work. Still, it’s an improvement on Vance’s previous Italian visit where he may or may not have finished off Pope Francis.
This guy is a human pathogen.
It’s frightening to think Jivani met with Vance and didn’t even wear a mask. After their farewell handshake, did Jivani wash his hands while singing “Happy Birthday” twice? Imagine the Vance-borne plague that Jivani may have brought back to Canada.
Certainly Poilievre will be ordering a tailored haz-mat suit. Fresh from his stage-managed 87 per cent approval rating at the Conservative Party of Canada convention, the last thing he needs is Jury-Rigged Jivani and his dodgy diplomacy.
Poilievre desperately needs to make up ground on Prime Minister Mark Carney, and Jivani seems intent on cutting the ground from beneath his feet.
“Building bridges” is what Jivani claimed to be doing. Any more stunts like this and Conservative poll numbers will be digging trenches. ![[Tyee]](/design-article.thetyee.ca/ui/img/yellowblob.png){kind=small}
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