Please Advise! How Gross Is This Sewage Plant Overrun?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The estimated cost of the North Shore wastewater plant has exploded. Originally forecast to cost $500 million and be completed in 2021, it will now cost at least $3.86 billion with a completion date still six years away.

Talk about flushing away money. What can we do about this?

Signed,

Feeling Crappy

Dear FC,

Amazing — $3.86 billion. To put that in perspective, it's equivalent to 237,086,454,149.77 Indian rupees. When you consider 237 billion rupees, honestly, a mere $3.86 billion starts to look like a bargain. Measuring by other units: the ArriveCan app, lately the cause of a parliamentary furor, cost an estimated $60 million. So the North Shore wastewater plant will cost approximately 64.3 ArriveCans. Or — with a contract worth $700 million — five Shohei Ohtanis. Imagine: if North Shore residents just agree to cross their legs and hold it for awhile, they could put together one hell of a baseball team.

As it is, locals will have to wait until 2030. That seems long, although probably a familiar experience for anyone who has stood in line for the women's washroom at the Roxy.

Inflation is terrible these days. A bag of tomatoes that once cost $2 now sets you back roughly the price of Taylor Swift floor seats. So perhaps it's no surprise for North Shore dwellers that those tomatoes will soon cost even more after consumption. Still, it is hard to contemplate a $3.86 billion tower of shit (although I believe there is at least one in downtown Manhattan, perhaps soon to be placed under lien). And for that sort of money, what will this plant produce? At that price, treated water does not seem enough. It ought to bring forth Champagne. Even better — printer ink.

There is bound to be opposition to the resulting tax burden, calculated at $725 per household per year for the next three decades. You may simply choose to opt out. Make the toilet into a fish pond or a decorative fountain. You'll go in the yard. Eventually the dog will have to start taking you out for walks, carrying a plastic bag in its mouth. Every damn night, come rain or snow. See how Fido likes it.

For those willing to pay the lavatory levy, what will be the effect on North Shore homes? Having such an expensive treatment facility must surely affect elements of interior design. Gold toilets and new Chamois Charmin will become standard. If you'll pardon Dr. Steve for mentioning an embarrassing subject, constipation will become particularly unfortunate, representing not only physical discomfort but also a reduced return on investment.

But there must be possibilities to recoup the funds. As the plant will turn waste into water, the right approach may yet transform feces into gold. A $3.86 billion structure simply has to become a tourist attraction. The Capilano Suspension Bridge, which only scares the crap out of you, is a financial trifle by comparison.

Models of the proposed plant show at least two big structures. So make them pointy. Rent some camels, spread some sand. Tell visitors that the Great Pyramids of 1311 W. First St. carry with them a terrible curse. It's no lie. From the massive cost overruns to work stoppages to firings to lawsuits, the whole cursed project has been the kind of plague that would make Pharaoh want to walk into the Red Sea. Of course, tourists who visit the Egyptian pyramids want to see golden treasures. They could do that here, sort of.

Then there's the standard solution to all major funding problems: gambling. Get ready for North Vancouver's splashiest coming attraction — the Wastewater Resort and Casino. Piss away your money in style! Entertainment! Music! You'd need to find the most appropriate acts. Are the Butthole Surfers still around? Hoobastank? Nickelback?

When you want a facility that will send millions of dollars down the sewer, casinos are always the best answer. Pretty soon North Shore communities will be, yes, flush with cash. Hey, maybe Shohei Ohtani will visit.