Please Advise! Is Trump Right About Noxious Cross-Border Pollution?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Donald Trump wants to levy more tariffs on Canada. Although the official stated reasons involve trade complaints, Trump and other Republicans initially said Canada must be punished with tariffs for the wildfire smoke now blanketing U.S. cities. Trump suggested Canada should pay damages, and that our forests should be raked to clear debris.

Should I buy a new rake, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Barb Q

Dear Barb,

There’s something special about Canada. We know that Donald Trump is capable of majestic streams of drivel on any topic. But Canada seems to inspire this poisonous piss bladder to new heights of malicious buffoonery.

And his lickspittles always follow suit. New Jersey Republican congressman Jeff Van Drew told Fox News that the current wildfires are the result of Canada’s “ultra-left” and “socialist” policies and that Canada must “groom” its forests and beg America for forgiveness. Michigan Republicans have also been squawking like crows at a raccoon, calling Canadians a bunch of fire slackers.

Whenever you hear a Republican say these sorts of things, you have to wonder: Is this individual truly as clueless as a concussed buffalo? Or is this just fakery, a game of political Simon Says? Are Republicans merely following President Putz as he spouts the kind of gibberish that would make a tree full of howler monkeys sound like the wisdom of Socrates?

In the case of Van Drew, Dr. Steve supposes that the idiocy is not feigned. You’d likely get more sense out of Sen. Mitch McConnell, and he s probably in a coma.

Hearing Americans whine about Canadian inaction even as crews put their lives on the line to fight the flames, not to mention the many times Canadians have headed south to lend support to U.S. firefighters, is enough to make one long for an end to diplomatic niceties. Can’t we just issue an official statement politely requesting that the complainants wedge a barbecue brush up their sphincters? Besides, if we're going to talk about rancid fumes drifting across international boundaries, what about Love Island When it comes to vile transmissions, Canada is more often on the receiving end.

Can Trump impose new tariffs? The U.S. Supreme Court, in a rare moment of courage, ruled he lacks the power. So Trump’s lackeys have come up with an obscure 1930 instrument called Section 338 to permit the move.

It’s fitting. For one thing, Section 338 is part of the Smoot-Hawley Act, widely blamed by economists for exacerbating the Great Depression and now occupying a prominent place in the Legislative Hall of Shame. Plus, take away the threes and you are left with Section 8, the old military classification for insanity. These days, Section 8 could serve as the White House address.

Trump has spoken many times about his love for tariffs. They’re a cure-all. Tariffs for trade, tariffs for inflation, tariffs for male pattern baldness. And now tariffs for wildfires.

You could just build a wall, and don’t think Trump hasn’t considered it. A wall is at least as good as his raking idea. Trump apparently thinks managing more than a million square miles of boreal forest is like sweeping the candy wrappers off a miniature golf course.

Meanwhile the Trump administration has cut funds for forest management and railed against any and all anti-climate change efforts. Trump is like a grill master with a flamethrower, complaining that the hot dogs are overcooked.

Canada bears its own share of responsibility for failed action on climate change. But coming from Trump, the criticism is ludicrous. He might as well tell Prime Minister Mark Carney to cut back on the Diet Coke and stop cheating at golf.

Trump once said windmills cause cancer. Well, so does smoke, Donny. Suck it.