Please Advise! Is 80 the New 40?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The Golden Bachelor is drawing solid ratings on ABC. It’s a senior version of the network’s long-running dating show franchise. Meanwhile there’s a new Beatles single out and a Rolling Stones album, too. Mick Jagger is 80, Paul McCartney is 81, Ringo Starr is 83, and the president of the United States is about to turn 81.

Are old people having a moment?

Signed,

Millennial

Dear Milly,

Well, if so, it’s about time, Dr. Steve says. You don't know the trouble he’s seen. Dr. Steve is always trying to drop references to My Three Sons, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and Bobby Darin into his columns. Callow Tyee editors snort derisively, replace them with some hipster nonsense and then ask Dr. Steve what life was like before the invention of indoor plumbing. (It wasn’t no picnic, that's for darn tootin’.)

So if old-timers are back in the driver’s seat, that’s great. Although maybe not after dark — the old eyes don’t work so good anymore.

In fact, one of the most telling moments in the debut season of The Golden Bachelor involved a standard franchise shtick — the classic convertible cruise. In this familiar reality TV routine, the bachelor and his date du jour cruise the freeway with the top down, wind in their hair, etc. But it soon became clear this version was not playing out the same way. The driver (72-year-old Gerry Turner) was nervous, clutching the wheel and staring grimly ahead as his hearing aids amplified the roar of passing 18-wheelers and the evening grew dark. His date was clearly worried. Carefree it wasn’t.

Watching The Golden Bachelor, one sees the usual dating show tropes turned upside down. Chit-chat around the pool isn't so much about swimsuits as about social security. The big family test isn’t meeting parents, it’s kids and grandkids. Potentially intrusive rivals are not secret boyfriends or girlfriends, but deceased spouses. The original franchise greedily drinks up the heartbreak of rejected contestants as they are limoed away, but this version has to deal with the aftermath of legitimate grief. While the promise of The Bachelor/Bachelorette shows is a shared future, The Golden Bachelor is just as much about the past.

People seem to like it. Ratings have been good. Apparently viewers don't mind a bit more reality in their reality TV.

Meanwhile there's the Stones. Eighty-year-old Mick Jagger looks like a testament to living right; 79-year-old Keith Richards looks like a testament to an unholy pact with Lucifer. This guy could sue Jack Link's Beef Jerky for patent infringement. Richards, usually found on the Galapagos Islands where he has outlived his former neighbour Lonesome George, might one day donate his body to science. The scientists who will accept this generous gift may yet be unborn.

The Stones' new album Hackney Diamonds has been joined on the charts by a sort-of-new Beatles single, "Now and Then," engineered from a John Lennon demo tape and also featuring guitar work from the late George Harrison. Like the Stones album, which features tracks with the late, great drummer Charlie Watts, the Beatles project is haunted by the reality of loss. The vibe is not quite "I Want to Hold Your Hand." These days, "When I'm Sixty-Four" is, depending on the Beatle, either wistful nostalgia or a tragic what-if.

Still, by making new music the surviving Beatles and Stones are also making valid points about the creative life. With luck, there is no reason why the muse should ever retire. Ars longa, vita brevis, but stay the course while breath remains.

And politics? The 2024 U.S. presidential election is shaping up as a rematch of Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Biden's age is often cited as a handicap. Trump, who is only a few years younger, is less frequently described as too old for the job, with good reason. Biden’s age is the top criticism about him; Trump’s age generally doesn’t make the top 50. Being a corrupt, criminal, racist, thuggish, ignorant, narcissistic, psychopathic, imbecilic, anti-democratic sexual predator means your date of birth doesn’t come up in conversation very often. It’s a real bonus, politically.

The U.S. presidential contest, then, underscores another important lesson about age. It's not irrelevant, by any means — those who say “Age is just a number” neglect to mention that you never hear that aphorism from insurance companies. Yes, age is a number. When it gets big enough, you die. A new World's Oldest Person is always being crowned.

But accumulated years are not the most important thing, either. Anyone who would vote Republican solely because they think Joe Biden is too old is suffering from cognitive difficulties that have nothing to do with age.

Take your vitamins, Joe. We need you to stay strong. The future of Keith Richards depends on it.