Please Advise! Why Does Poilievre Face 108 Candidates?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

As of last week 108 candidates had signed up to oppose Pierre Poilievre in the Aug. 18 Battle River-Crowfoot byelection. The candidate drive has been organized by the Longest Ballot Committee, who say their goal is to take electoral reform out of the hands of politicians.

Is this a mockery of the democratic process, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Battle Crow

Dear BC,

Perhaps. Or perhaps darker forces are at work. Who is really behind this long-ballot push? Dr. Steve sees the smudgy hand of Big Printer Ink.

Remember the Reddit question that made the Internet rounds a few years ago: Which would you rather fight, a horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses? That scenario seems prescient now. Poilievre ducked out of Ottawa and migrated to Alberta, and now the Conservatives' First Fowl is in a horse race with over a hundred little opponents. Battle River is being attacked by an electoral army.

Poilievre is running in Alberta because he lost his Ottawa Carleton seat on election night. Thanks to the people at Longest Ballot, there were 91 candidates on that slate, and some of the same people who ran in Carleton are challenging Poilievre in Battle River-Crowfoot.

This time around, independent David Zhu will be intent on increasing his Carleton total of 21 votes. Can he top Sarah Burke, who surged ahead of him on election night with 27 votes? It's the rematch political junkies have waited for. Independent Spencer Rocchi tallied four votes in the Carleton riding. Has he enough Alberta cousins to push him into double digits? Will he go negative against fellow independent Wallace Richard Rowat, who scored exactly two votes in Carleton? Rocchi/Rowat negotiations are surely underway — a coalition has the potential to produce a six-vote juggernaut. Chatting up a large table at Tim Horton's could put you in the top five.

How to mark your ballot? Easy. There are three Marks. Also five Michaels, three Davids, three Erics, two Brians, two Johns, two Sarahs, two Alexes and two Mollys. You have your choice of two Andersons, two Fitzgeralds and two Joneses. Only one Steve however, which may speak to a failure of representation in our democratic system.

Anti-woke? Vote for independent Charles Sleep. Want more government transparency? You'll like independents Molly Sun and Maria Light. Only vote for candidates whose names are compounded from the names of former U.S. presidents? Your choice: United Party candidate Grant Abraham and independent Madison Kennedy. What an unparalleled selection the voters of Battle River-Crowfoot will have. It's like an all-you-can-vote buffet.

The potential for catastrophe seems real, however. What if everybody goes door-knocking? Property damage, trampled gardens, the first traffic jam in the history of Ferintosh: all loom as possibilities.

On the other hand, the candidates could all dress up like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and go door to door singing selections from the soundtrack of Glee. Best byelection ever. Electoral victory may be unlikely but even greater glory awaits — how about the Guinness World Record for largest candidate pyramid?

Poilievre, the horse-sized duck, has been touring the riding, hitting towns like Stettler. Let's hope they took lots of pictures. Next time you see Poilievre in Stettler it will be Photoshop. But at least Poilievre appeared. Queen Victoria was named Empress of India and never even set foot there. If Poilievre becomes sovereign of Stettler, they'll always have that magical memory of July 11, 2025.

Poilievre is unhappy about the Longest Ballot ploy and he's not the only one. Independent Bonnie Critchley, who has challenged Poilievre from the beginning, is also annoyed that her legitimate campaign may be swamped by all the stunt candidacies. In a stunning break from tradition, Critchley is actually from the riding. It's a bold strategy and, if successful, a potential game-changer.

It's a shame there will be no debate. Critchley could ask Poilievre to spell Bawlf or Chauvin. Then if all the other candidates joined in with opening and closing statements, it could be like Variety Show of Hearts Telethon. All the money raised will go to buy Danielle Smith some ice cream and tissues after her feelings were hurt by the town of Jasper.

Byelection day is Monday, Aug. 18. If you live in Battle River-Crowfoot, get out and vote. And don't be discouraged by the long lines. That's just for the designated candidate porta-potties.