Please Advise! Is the World Cup Good for Vancouver?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The FIFA World Cup tournament starts this week, with games in Vancouver for the first time ever.

Do you think the event is a positive thing for the city?

Signed,

Messy

Dear Messy,

Always remember the fundamentals of soccer — the corner kick, the penalty kick, the FIFA kickback.

It’s a beautiful game on the pitch, a beautiful grift off of it.

Many have remarked upon the recent covering of Vancouver’s Science World to resemble a giant soccer ball. Most assume this is event promotion. Dr. Steve suspects otherwise. As a round object, Science World was likely found to be an infringement on FIFA copyright. They were probably given a choice of either adopting FIFA branding or becoming the Science Cube.

Have you noticed how expensive tomatoes have become? It’s not inflation — it’s the FIFA Round Tax. This month in Vancouver, they own that shape. FIFA gets a cut of every cantaloupe. The only legal golf is Frisbee golf. Squash will be played with actual squash; beach volleyball will be played with zucchini. Squirrels will be allowed to gather oblong shapes only.

Hydration is also licensed. FIFA attempted to ban water bottles from the stadium. You can understand their frustration — FIFA is giving fans free oxygen, and now they want hydrogen too? After an outcry, however, they were forced to backtrack, if only partially. But the backlash did have an effect — it probably foiled FIFA plans to tax urination by volume.

The World Cup is pitched to host cities like a gold rush, and that’s just how it generally turns out. The people who made money on gold fever were the ones selling shovels and pans to the rubes. That would be us. A recent study showed that only one of the last 14 World Cups definitely made a profit for its hosts — the 2018 event held in Russia. The forced labour probably helped.

Local hotels and restaurants were promised big profits. We’ll see how that turns out. So far occupancy rates have actually dropped from last year. The World Cup may well have acted on local tourism like a measles outbreak.

We have reaped some decent publicity, anyway. Sports Illustrated did a ranking of all 16 World Cup host cities that placed Vancouver on top, Toronto No. 3.

That may be because we have not recently bombed any of the competing nations, or threatened to intern any visiting fans with skin tones darker than Elon Musk’s. Not just fans, either. World Cup referee Omar Artan, a Somali, was denied entry into the United States this week. Donald Trump has previously said that Somalis are “crooks” and “garbage” and declared he doesn't want them in the country. FIFA responded to the banning of Artan by saying they are “not involved.”

What courage. But this is the organization whose president, Gianni Infantino, you will recall, gave Donald Trump the FIFA Peace Prize, so it's no surprise that they should give themselves the Golden Toad for obsequious grovelling. One can only imagine what trophies FIFA will hand out here. The StubHub Golden Gouge Award? The Jacked-Up Jersey Prize? The Rip-Off Ribbon for Most Overpriced Keychain? The Golden Jackboot for crushing local merchants?

The World Cup itself is frequently a joy to behold, at least on the field. And you can certainly enjoy those games if you have a TV, or independent wealth, or perhaps a friend on city council. For the vast majority of Vancouver-area residents, the World Cup will offer a wonderful opportunity to save money.

We are far from the worst off in terms of pricing. A survey by the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development showed the average ticket price in Guadalajara, Mexico, represents 25 per cent of an average resident’s annual income. Talk about a red card. Could it be FIFA is actually a secret Marxist organization? The whole thing feels like class warfare with referees.

Still, it’s inspiring. The World Cup is a dynamic event (although that may refer specifically to the ticket pricing). It’s nice to think it might inspire some of our young people to tell themselves, “Someday, I too can win the rigged game of capitalism and earn enough obscene riches to get a decent seat at Canada vs. Switzerland.”

FIFA always promises host cities a healthy net benefit. Too bad the net belongs to FIFA.