Please Advise! Will Trump’s Tariffs Crush Us?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

On Friday it was announced that trade negotiations with the U.S. had collapsed and 50 per cent tariffs would be applied to a wide range of Canadian goods. Despite President Donald Trump’s earlier claim that a deal had been reached, Canada refused to sign, having received last-minute demands that would have restricted the government’s rights to reach independent deals with other nations.

What will the fallout be?

Signed,

Walker

Dear Walker,

After negotiations collapsed, Prime Minister Mark Carney said of trade deals with America: “We recognize that sometimes its signature was written in pencil.”

Perhaps he was too polite to add “or crayon.” But the point was clear. You can’t expect consistency from President Goldfish. Making a deal with Trump is like trying to shake hands with an inflatable flappy man. Trump’s operating system crashes every time he burps.

At this point, though, it is reasonable to ask whether Trump was even in the driver’s seat during this process. Much of what he says these days is taken about as seriously as a dog barking at a vacuum cleaner. America in 2026 is a bit like a driverless car. And while driverless cars can be scary, clown cars are worse. This trade negotiation seems to have been conducted by a bunch of bozos fighting in the back seat.

Jamieson Greer was handling negotiations at the time last week when Trump said a deal had been reached. Then Howard Lutnick, the Epstein-adjacent commerce secretary, barged in and starting slinging pies around. Apparently demands were made that would have prevented Canada from striking deals, such as the export of rare earths, without White House approval. It would be a U.S. veto over Canadian trade policy.

Lutnick hates Canada. He thinks Come from Away is a horror story. With Lutnick meddling, the outcome was predictable. Unlike for the stranded 9/11 passengers in Gander, Newfoundland, everything went south. “Bombs away” is more Lutnick’s style.

But let’s pause and spare a thought for the real victim here: Danielle Smith. It’s tough when no one likes your friends. Smith has been so chummy with Trump. You know when you bring your bestie to the barbecue and he throws up in the potato salad? It’s like that. America's belligerence even made a temporary patriot out of Parti Québécois Leader Paul St-Pierre Plamondon, who has declared separatist referendums off limits while Trump threatens tariffs. Now Smith has to smile and nod and try to hide that referendum ballot under her stetson.

Trump seems to have a B.C. pal as well. On Saturday, Conservative Party of BC Leader Kerry-Lynne Findlay told Global News, “When you say... ‘No way in hell we'll ever have American liquor back on our shelves,’ that is not helpful.”

It’s certainly not helpful if your name is Jack Daniels. But American brewers have a friend in Findlay, because, as the beer commercials say, that's what Buds do. If Findlay is seeking a bit of Southern Comfort, though, she may find herself drinking alone.

Carney said Canada is “at war” with the United States, and many Canadians are probably relieved to hear the obvious being spoken from on high. Our country is spoiling for a fight. But while “Elbows up” is fun to say, we have to understand that, economically, Canada versus America is elbows versus cruise missiles. We are badly outgunned. President Teddy Roosevelt suggested the best foreign policy was to “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Canada will be lucky to carry a chopstick.

Still, one of those pointy little bastards can do real damage if you aim it right. This country is solidly behind Carney, Premier “Texas” Smith notwithstanding.

And it does make a difference if the metaphorical “big stick” is being wielded by a fat old sluggard with swollen ankles and a cognitive deficit the size of the national debt. Iran has shown that asymmetrical warfare can be very effective, especially when your opponent combines the foresight of an aging hamster with the brains of a concrete bollard.

In recent days, Trump has once again embraced North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un while disparaging America's South Korean ally, threatened friendly Oman with a bombing campaign and restarted a trade war with his country's erstwhile best friend.

Someday, perhaps, we will see a new version of Come from Away where squadrons of American passenger jets descend on Newfoundland once again, this time because nobody else in the world will put up with their bullshit anymore. Or maybe it will be a sequel to Get Out.